'Do you remember how we met?' I mutter, the side of my lips curling upwards as I watch a small cloud pass overhead, the pure blue sky blurring the edge of the often unappreciated spectacle. The sun shines overbearingly behind it, only adding to its impossible beauty. Rays of golden sunlight hug my body, a welcome contrast to the cold grass beneath my back.
'It was a Sunday, exactly a year ago today.' My eyes fall closed. 'I was on the train, walking along the corridor. God, it was such a tight space, I almost felt claustrophobic.'
My hands drop from where they are resting upon my stomach, the coarse feeling of thin cotton replaced with soft, smooth shards of grass between my fingers.
'All that mattered,' I continue, 'was that I found a cabin to sit in, but they were all full. I remember the panic, the tightness in my stomach. It felt like someone had reached down my throat and was squeezing on my abdominals. It seems silly now, but I used to get travel sick. So I pushed on, just forced myself to breathe, made myself walk the length of the train until I found a seat; and I did.'
'There was a boy in it,' I say, my shoulders jolting upwards in silent chuckles. The sounds of people walking on the surrounding grass, the crunching sound of crisp, unsuspecting leaves crushed beneath oblivious shoe. 'That boy was you, as you know. You were sat there, head against the cabin window, your headphones over your ears. I couldn't see your face at first, your beautiful blonde fringe covering one of your eyes. I don't know why, but I needed to meet you. So I reached forward.
I remember a gasp leaving my lips as my fingers came into contact with the metallic handle of the cabin door. That train was hot, I had tiny beads of sweat forming on the brow, yet this handle was cold to the touch. It was inviting.'
A light breeze brushes over me, cold air nipping at my neck like a playful dog, raising the hairs on my arms; as the grass, I lie in, dances in the wind against my skin.
'I pulled the door open, just pushed it aside, making your head shoot up. That's when I first saw them. Your eyes! Your beautiful blue eyes, wide in shock. As shocked as you were at the sudden intrusion, I saw a glimmer of mischief slice through your gaze. You said "Hey". I stood there, my mouth agape. I didn't know what to say, it made you chuckle. You pointed to the seat opposite you. "Take a seat." You offered.'
Eyes falling open, they linger on the sky above. The cloud above has now flown by now, leaving behind a block of colour which matches that of his eyes, a blue that only the most radiant day could produce.
'And I did,' I say, shoulders jolting with a small shrug. 'I placed my suitcase to the side and took the seat you offered. I remember that whirlpool feeling in my stomach, you had your feet up next to me. I feared moving my leg in case my knees brushed against your own. But, now that I think about it, it's all I wanted to happen. For the train to jolt, earning me the physical contact that I yearned for. Ten minutes, ten minutes we were silent. Then you said, "That's a nice jacket. Where did you get it from?"
My gazes falls from the sky it's intently studying the sky, to the black denim jacket I am wearing. My hands come back up, fingers brushing the silver metallic buttons, pulling the jacket shut tightly around me.
'I raised an eyebrow at you, a chuckle leaving my lips. "I prefer yours", I said. It was because the black denim really brought out your blonde hair. You shrugged. Suddenly, you took off your Jacket, chucking it in my direction. It landed on my lap, the fabric feeling like a part of you. So intimate. My fingers tingled as I touched it. Then you gestured for my own. "Swap?", you asked. I didn't speak, in fact, I couldn't get my mouth to move. The words I wanted to say unable to form in my mind, I took off my jacket and chucked it at you. Your smile widened, your lips climbed so high on your face I was scared you'd pull a muscle. It somehow made you look more youthful. And as I pulled your jacket around me, your scent filled my nose. And God, I swear....'
From the collar of my jacket, I take in a deep breath through my nose, the familiar scent of lavender and mint overtaking my senses; blurring my brain like rain to a gaze. Even now, the scent is still as strong as that day. The hypnotising blend speeds up the rate at which my heart works.
'That was all I needed to fall in love with you. Your eyes, your forwardness, and your beautiful smell. "Enjoying that?" You laughed cheekily, running your fingers through your fringe; removing it from your vision. My face shone magenta, I was so embarrassed that you had caught me sniffing your jacket. I played it off though, I shrugged, and told you I was just trying to guess what fabric softener you used. You nodded, but I could see in your eyes you knew. The shimmer of light, the same you always got when you caught me checking you out.'
With a sigh, push myself up into a sitting position. My eyes fall to the grass, fingers reaching forwards to play with a single daisy. A tear escapes me, the tiny drop pushing itself to the surface.
As a child runs past me, screaming loudly, laughing, for his mother, I wipe my face on the back of my hand.
'You went back to listening to your music.' I chuckle as more tears descend my cheekbones faster than I can wipe them away. 'I read my book, and we didn't talk for the rest of the trip. It was comfortable though. As if we had been around each other years, rather than hours. Then as the train pulled into the station, our station, you smiled at me. Your hand reached out towards me, a white piece of scrap paper between your fingers. I reached up and grasped it tightly between my own, protecting it, as if it were the holy grail. The answers to every single problem I had ever experienced. "Call me sometime.", you said. And I did. The rest is history.'
With a steadying breath, I lean forward, lips coming into contact with cold marble; so cold images of cartoon tongues stuck to lampposts form in my minds eye. I let them linger for a few moments before pulling back to look at the golden inscription engraved into the marble tablet.
His marble tablet.
Ryan Peter Anderson
A loving son.
A loving brother
A loving boyfriend.
'The day that we met was the day I realised I loved you. You were, and always will be, my everything. Happy Anniversary my love, you'll always be in my heart.
Writings Of A Queer Mind 